Stagefright. I've always been a sufferer. Whether it's the boardroom presentation or the musical performance, the stagefright never gets any less. It isn't the debilitating hug-the-toilet-bowl-two-hours-before-showtime-and-wretch-till-I-taste-stomach-lining stagefright, but I FEEL those butterflies aaaall day.
You'd think I'd get over it with age. I mean, once you're in your thirties, there's very little at risk. What am I afraid of? There's no more pride, glory, 'face', reputation or street cred to cling on to. I'm a grizzled, salt-n-peppered, married, father of one. What do I care what the audience thinks?
Maybe it's the perfectionist in me. That fear of fucking up. People are sitting there expecting to listen to something good (at best) or at the very least not to be subjected to auditory torture that drowns out their conversation. I've left bars where the music was too loud and too bad, the performers too ugly. Is it payback time with me at the receiving end?
It probably looks quite easy to the clueless. Get up there, plug in my guitar, play the same 4 chords for 3 sets, 45 minutes each. Never mind if I sound as bad as Dylan, as long as people appreciate me for being as deep as Dylan. But no. I want to be Ritchie Sambora. C. C. Deville. Eric Clapton. Mark Knopffler. And my personal God, Slash. So I gotta be creative. Quick fingerwork, soulful licks, heart-thumping rhythm. Problem is, the more intricate you get, the higher the chances of bombing.
And this is realtime. No calling a halt so you can do the chorus again. No going back and finding that note you lost on the solo. Once the string vibrates, it is done. You've given life to your creation. Into the pickups, down the cable, pre-amp, power amp, speakers, boom. Out there to be appreciated or scorned. Eliciting open-mouthed 'O's of wonder or turning the corners of lips downward in disgust.
So tonight is my first gig. It seems to be a day of firsts. A long time ago someone whose opinion I value very highly asked me when am I going to write something for myself, instead of just using other people's words.
Well, here it is.
Wish me luck. And hope my fingers don't slip.
Maybe someday your name will be in lights
Saying, "Johnny B Goode Tonight"
- Chuck Berry, "Johnny B Goode"